The Least Kid Friendly Wedding. Ever. That We Accidentally Brought Our Kid To.

My biggest pet peeve with weddings is when the Happy Couple doesn't think about their guests. I get it, this is YOUR day. But all these people took time out of THEIR busy lives to be here and you need to make sure you think of them too. Sure, you're giving them dinner and possibly drinks but you still need to be grateful that they made the choice to celebrate your wedding.

Most of the time when people don't think of their guests, it results in there being too much time between the different parts of the day or they forget to tell guests something sort of important. This wedding had it all, in the worst possible way.

I would like to preface all of this with the fact that we made sure it was OK for Little Bear to attend said wedding prior to sending in our RSVP. Once we got the go ahead we marked him down for the chicken finger kids meal and were excited to have an upcoming family night out. Most of the day of the wedding was spent talking with Little Bear about the fact that Daddy's friend was going to get married and we were going to get to celebrate and dance. On the drive down there he even randomly yelled, "We gonna dance!" Right on.

So, we get to the country club that is to be the site of the ceremony and reception and after waiting inside with all the other guests we are asked by the ushers to follow them outside. Wait. Outside? Why? It's like wicked hot. And a lot of these dudes have suits on. And I see a lot of old people.

Yep, outside. At the hottest time of the day. In direct sun.Zero clouds. No fans, electric or hand powered. And not a single person was prepared.

Nature is lovely and all. All green and fresh and bright and stuff. I get it. But for real, you have to warn people ahead of time. A bitch could die in that heat!

Little Bear lasted to the point RIGHT before the wedding party started walking down the aisle and then he became a hot and very crabby tiny human. Him and I dipped out before he went into complete meltdown mode and found some flowers to pick.

Alright, outdoor part is done. We're going inside. Has to get good now.
This is when we realized that we had the only child at the wedding. Yep.

Here's a jist of the rest of the reception from that point.
4 pm - Back inside for water and lemonade in the reception hall area. Found our table.
4:30 - It is announced that there will be a Chinese Tea Ceremony at 5. Ok, neat. That'll be cultured and stuff. Cultured things are good.
4:45 - Still just lemonade and water. Ok, fine.
4:59 - Coffee. Yes! Coffee.
5 pm - Chinese Tea Ceremony is explained as being something that is usually done in the AM before the wedding at a family home and only includes the close family. There, the bride and groom serve tea to their elders. In this case, the bride and groom have chosen to have their wedding guests watch this and will be having 50 of their family members join them at the front as the guests watch on.
And then it got completely silent.
And then Little Bear decided he was bored out of his mind and needed to practice his angry-pterodactyl-scream.
I grabbed him and ran as fast as my wedges would allow and prepared to just wait in the lobby area until said cultured ceremony was done.
6 pm - AN HOUR LATER. Finally. Done. Little Bear and I return to find out from the hubs that it was completely silent in there for that ENTIRE HOUR! What!? No signs of dinner. We pull out the dinosaurs.

6:15 - Butler served hors d'oeuvres come out... and are gone immediately. Little Bear's snack supply is dwindling. He is no longer having fun with the toys we brought and has resorted to using a sunscreen stick on his own arms for entertainment.
6:30 - Bar open! Hallelujah! Guests flood it and grab Bud Light and wine by the fist full.  Little Bear starts to lose it again and needs a break from playing at our table. Out into the hall the hubs takes him.
6:45 - My beer is almost gone and a lovely woman offers me her extra glass of wine... and then her and her friend look concerned when I accept. What, lady!? Don't you offer me booze and then judge me for taking it. I will come at both of you! No signs of dinner.
7 pm - The hubs and I are in the hall with Little Bear and overhear the bridesmaids groan about being forced to put their 5'' heals back on to go take pictures.
Wait. WTF!? What the actual fuck!? You people still need to do pictures!? 
7:05 - We trick Little Bear into going back to our table and realize that we aren't going to make it. No fancy dinner for us tonight. No dancing. No celebrating. And Little Bear desperately needs some real food. And a new diaper. We sneak out in two shifts. And finally see someone enter with a toddler. No signs of dinner as we exit.

We get to the truck and I cry. I feel like I failed my child by bringing him to such an un-kidfriendly place. I feel like he must think we duped him into coming to this terribly boring place by promising yummy food and dancing and dessert. And then I cry more. And try to get my anger out while trying to not swear or yell really loud.

And then we stopped at Burger King.