You guys, you guys!

I'm going to start doing needlepoint!

The hubs and I have a couple of friends that come over here and there during the week for hangs. We relax in the garage and chat and drink delicious beers. The males end up playing Nintendo or burning stuff or some other boy things. Us females decided we needed to be accomplishing something during that time.

We took a trip to Michael's, each invested $10 and became old ladies!

We can do this

PSA: The Dangers of Your Child Pissing You Off While You Drive

There is something about having a child scream at a person while they are in traffic that I'm pretty sure could actually cause the driver's head to explode. Just driving along, child screaming about everything and nothing all at once and then *pop* head explodes.

Someone should make a PSA. "The Dangers of Your Child Pissing You Off While You Drive" This is a problem that America needs to get behind.

Homer Simpson was on to something when he fully removed the children from the parent while driving.

The Homer  comes equipped with two bubble domes; one in the front, while the one in back is for quarreling kids, and comes with optional restraints and muzzles.

Today I took Little Bear to the zoo, which was great. The drive home, on the other hand, was ridiculous. He was sad to leave but also tired and hungry, which made a lovely little crabby child cocktail. Let's add the fact that it is still construction season in MN, which means every highway between any give point A and point B is probably a complete cluster f*ck and will cause you to want to hurt a random elected official. 

The two things together could cause a mother to lose it. 

I am proud to say I did not yell or say anything terrible to him. I did however try to reason with him a lot and look like a crazy bitch while in bumper to bumper traffic. 

We won't be driving to the zoo again for a while. 

Waffle Time!

I did it! I made waffles from scratch!

For some reason, I had never made waffles. I know we had a waffle maker when I was a kid, we just didn't use it. We toasted up plenty of Eggos, but never fresh off the press homemade waffles.

The other day, I acquired a waffle maker. I was determined to make it the base of an amazing brinner (you know, breakfast-dinner, one of the top 5 dinner meals. ever.)

I went with the basic recipe that was in the instruction book (which we somehow got whipped cream all over) for the waffle maker and doubled it because you can never have too many waffles. Also, I did half whole wheat flour.

"The light is green, the trap is clean."
Ghostbusters, anyone?

Success!

Waffle Thief

I did put the first batch in the oven as recommended in the recipe but I should not have left them in a pile as the ones underneath lost their crispness. For the second batch I added a whole mess of blueberries to the batter.

Yep, good.
Like, really, really good.

What are waffles without homemade whipped cream?
Put that with some butter and real maple syrup and...
Nom nom nom. 

Add some cheesy scrambled eggs and some bacon and BAM, dinner deliciousness! The hubs was happy and Little Bear was happy so I was quite happy. AND they reheated in the oven wonderfully this morning so we had a yummy and easy breakfast! Plus, I froze about a batch worth for later excitement!

More mess than Eggos but so much better. Totally worth the work... and the syrup stickiness that I keep finding in our dining room...

Nap Porn

This weekend a friend made the comment about how late he had slept in on Saturday to which I asked, "How was it?" His response, "Shut-up Ms.I Wake Up With A Kid At 6 AM!" From there I felt I had to explain that no, I'm not mad at you for getting sleep (well maybe a little) but I'm mostly just wanting to vicariously live through people that still can sleep the day away. 

I want to know all the dirty details. Where did you do it? Couch? Bed? Floor? The rare and dangerous hammock? Somewhere sweet like a boat? Was it during the middle of the day? Did you plan it? Did you get a snack in the middle? Was it alcohol induced? Were you alone? 

So basically, I'm really into your verbal nap porn. It's hot.

Childless people of the internets: Embrace your nap ability now! 

Have an entire day of nothing ahead of you but feel bad wasting it with sleep? Don't. Just do it. Put on some sweat pants. Netflix for an hour or two. Read a book. And then sleep your ass off. Sleep until you need to eat. And then sleep some more. 

Sadly, no, you cannot bank the sleep for the sleepless times to come. Trust me though, when you are on feeding number three of a night with a newborn or cuddling a sick kid until early hours or arguing with a toddler about the fact that 3am is not playtime and he does not want to "go out there", you will remember your nap binges and be so thankful you did it when you could. 

And you too, will love to hear about your friends' nap porn.  

Oh, hey all!

Luckily, this weekend involved one fewer ridiculous wedding and one more fun night out for the hubs and me. Here's the jist of the past few days.

Friday

• No nap for Little Bear again. The faze continues. Except I still fear it's not a faze.
• Bike ride to the library. Fun. Except when I was on the busy road hauling a two year old in a tag-along trailer and NOT A SINGLE PERSON WOULD STEP TO THE SIDE OF THE DAMN SIDEWALK.
• Little Bear fell asleep in the trailer. And then continued to sleep on the couch. He might be messing with me.
• The Hubs and I had a couch date involving some-not-nearly-caught-up-enough episodes of Breaking Bad. And then I saw this on the internets and it made me happy.

Saturday

• Playdate with an old friend and his wee lady. She is 18 months. In response to her baby talk, Little Bear made sure to repeatedly tell her, "That not make any sense." He's a smooth talker, like his daddy.
• Nap fight again. And then he fell asleep on me. On the couch. Like when he was a wee baby. It was not bad. 
• Little Bear had a sleepover with Nana and Papa. Mommy and Daddy got to leave the house for the night. AND bring the pooch. AND sleep! Well, we could have slept. Instead we chose to have fun with friends. It was worth the lack of sleep. And since we slept at a friend's house...

Sunday

• The hubs and I got McDonald's breakfast on the way home. It's just the thing to do. For most people that may not be an event but since I am always with Little Bear and I just can't let him eat fast food yet, I don't ever get it. So yes, that's right. I will not let my toddler eat that crap but I will devour it like a stray dog when my child is not around.
• The hubs and I got home and napped for three hours. The McDonald's breakfast belly and the nap go really well together.... nap coma...
• Nana brought Little Bear home. I hugged him for a while. 
• Minor nap fight with the child previously mentioned.. The hubs and I are both a little afraid of him at nap time now.
• I discarded the leftovers from this monstrosity. Why did I save any of that!? Apparently, Friday me couldn't give in to the fail. Sunday me was pissed she had to deal with any of it.
• Family dinner with the pops and step mom where I realized that explaining something "logically" to a toddler does not make it any better when he repeats it over and over and over later. In reference to the mounted animals in Grandpa's basement: "They scary. We not need to be scared. They not alive. They can't hurt you. They not alive." Also where I acquired...
• A waffle maker! An epic Brinner will happen soon.

I didn't even have to create this meme.
The Breakfast Soon Meme has been done and I'm OK with that.

So yeah, not great blog fodder over the weekend so it all gets meshed into here. 

Well, actually, prior to drifting into a semi-drunk sleep on Saturday night, I know I thought of some great things to write about. But my phone was on the other side of the room. And I forgot by morning. They'll come to me.

Now, Monday is over. It was a... not rough... not bad... just one. Monday was a one. 

Tuesday, let's do this. 

Crock Pot French Toast Was...

Not terrible... but not great.

I originally had pinned this recipe a while ago and then forgotten about it, like I do with most things I pin.

Crock Pot French Toast via the Crock Pot Girl

Months later I printed the recipe in a bout of "I'm going to start actually making these things I pin!" And then it sat in a pile which eventually became scrap paper. While making my grocery list yesterday, I saw it again and decided I'd give it a go.

This is what I woke up to.

Goo anyone?
(I used a crock-pot liner because I had some but you could also butter or spray your pot)

It was far too wet and really just a mess of goo. Most of the bread slices had completely lost shape and were a bucket of mush. I thought if I could get some of the extra moisture to go away, it might be salvageable. I put some on a plate and nuked it for 30 seconds.

The result was better but still really wet and that was without any syrup. I decided that it was eggy enough that scrambling might be the best option. So I threw some in a pan and hoped for the best.

The end result was... odd. The best way I can think to describe it is "french toast scrambled eggs" which sounds scary. The hubs and I both ate it reluctantly. Little Bear on the other hand, was a HUGE fan!

I've seen many other recipes for Crock Pot French Toast and might be willing to give them a shot but this one was no good.

It's a great idea in theory but for now, Pinterest FAIL!

Nap Time. Oh, Glorious Nap Time

I fear we may be approaching the end. The end of Little Bear's glorious 2-3 hour daily naps. Oh, how beautifully spoiled I was. How does a child go from monster naps each day that he actually WANTS to take and gladly says, "Night, night" for to screaming in his crib for an hour?!

Everything will seem exactly the same leading up to nap time. Read books, cuddle, lots of yawns and eye rubbing, sing a song, drifting off, put him in his crib.... and suddenly my sweet Little Bear starts to channel a two-year-old-anti-sleep-demon. "No nap! Want to go out there! Want different shirt! Need Mommy! Mommy come in here! Need to take socks off! Noooo need night niiiiiiight!" For the past two days he has had a hoarse as a result.

I'm hoping it's just a faze that is the result of a vacation followed by a couple of weeks of odd schedules. Dude is tired. Dude still seems like he needs a nap. Dude is still waking up at 6 am!

Are the days of my mid-day sleeping angel over?!

If I mentally wish for it enough, things will return to the way they were, right!?

Or not.

Why I Will Always Wear Mascara

It's often touted as one of the most necessary make-up products. I personally have seen multiple blurbs about it being the one item most woman would choose to have in their purse, vanity kit or on a desert island. Granted, most of those "Make-Up Sophie's Choice" blurbs were in Cosmo or Glamour magazines, still, it's a pretty important little tube.

During my last two weeks of being a working mom I did a lot of thinking about the kind of SAHM I would be. Sitting at my desk one day it hit me, "I must continue to wear mascara. If I leave the house, I must wear mascara." I knew that doing full on make-up, hair or even taking a shower each day would be tough but I vowed to always brush my lashes with a little very-black, voluminous, lash extending goo.

There is something in my brain that sees the absence of mascara as the fine line between me being a frazzled-but-slightly-put-together SAHM and a mom that stopped caring. It's a slippery slope, people. First I stop wearing mascara. Next I stop wearing real pants and resort to sweats and gym shorts every day. Then I completely stop shaving my legs. What's next!? Slippery slope. I have spent many days looking like a 5 foot ball of tired fright while roaming the house or yard but if I step off that curb, out comes trusty wanded friend.

I rarely notice if other moms wear any type of make-up nor do I see the absence of it as anything worth noting but I know that for me, mascara is a necessary product. I've applied it at stop lights. In parking lots. Just before walking into a friend's house. While brushing my teeth. And, I'm pretty sure I have even applied my mascara while going pee.

Sure, I might be wearing the same pair of capris for the third day in a row. And honestly, I might have to take a minute to realize that it has somehow been four days since I washed my hair. And no, I don't actually like The Cubs, this is just the best baseball hat I have to cover my rat's nest...

But dammit, my lashes look gorgeous!

On The Facebooks?

Lets like each other!

https://www.facebook.com/madhousewifery

The Least Kid Friendly Wedding. Ever. That We Accidentally Brought Our Kid To.

My biggest pet peeve with weddings is when the Happy Couple doesn't think about their guests. I get it, this is YOUR day. But all these people took time out of THEIR busy lives to be here and you need to make sure you think of them too. Sure, you're giving them dinner and possibly drinks but you still need to be grateful that they made the choice to celebrate your wedding.

Most of the time when people don't think of their guests, it results in there being too much time between the different parts of the day or they forget to tell guests something sort of important. This wedding had it all, in the worst possible way.

I would like to preface all of this with the fact that we made sure it was OK for Little Bear to attend said wedding prior to sending in our RSVP. Once we got the go ahead we marked him down for the chicken finger kids meal and were excited to have an upcoming family night out. Most of the day of the wedding was spent talking with Little Bear about the fact that Daddy's friend was going to get married and we were going to get to celebrate and dance. On the drive down there he even randomly yelled, "We gonna dance!" Right on.

So, we get to the country club that is to be the site of the ceremony and reception and after waiting inside with all the other guests we are asked by the ushers to follow them outside. Wait. Outside? Why? It's like wicked hot. And a lot of these dudes have suits on. And I see a lot of old people.

Yep, outside. At the hottest time of the day. In direct sun.Zero clouds. No fans, electric or hand powered. And not a single person was prepared.

Nature is lovely and all. All green and fresh and bright and stuff. I get it. But for real, you have to warn people ahead of time. A bitch could die in that heat!

Little Bear lasted to the point RIGHT before the wedding party started walking down the aisle and then he became a hot and very crabby tiny human. Him and I dipped out before he went into complete meltdown mode and found some flowers to pick.

Alright, outdoor part is done. We're going inside. Has to get good now.
This is when we realized that we had the only child at the wedding. Yep.

Here's a jist of the rest of the reception from that point.
4 pm - Back inside for water and lemonade in the reception hall area. Found our table.
4:30 - It is announced that there will be a Chinese Tea Ceremony at 5. Ok, neat. That'll be cultured and stuff. Cultured things are good.
4:45 - Still just lemonade and water. Ok, fine.
4:59 - Coffee. Yes! Coffee.
5 pm - Chinese Tea Ceremony is explained as being something that is usually done in the AM before the wedding at a family home and only includes the close family. There, the bride and groom serve tea to their elders. In this case, the bride and groom have chosen to have their wedding guests watch this and will be having 50 of their family members join them at the front as the guests watch on.
And then it got completely silent.
And then Little Bear decided he was bored out of his mind and needed to practice his angry-pterodactyl-scream.
I grabbed him and ran as fast as my wedges would allow and prepared to just wait in the lobby area until said cultured ceremony was done.
6 pm - AN HOUR LATER. Finally. Done. Little Bear and I return to find out from the hubs that it was completely silent in there for that ENTIRE HOUR! What!? No signs of dinner. We pull out the dinosaurs.

6:15 - Butler served hors d'oeuvres come out... and are gone immediately. Little Bear's snack supply is dwindling. He is no longer having fun with the toys we brought and has resorted to using a sunscreen stick on his own arms for entertainment.
6:30 - Bar open! Hallelujah! Guests flood it and grab Bud Light and wine by the fist full.  Little Bear starts to lose it again and needs a break from playing at our table. Out into the hall the hubs takes him.
6:45 - My beer is almost gone and a lovely woman offers me her extra glass of wine... and then her and her friend look concerned when I accept. What, lady!? Don't you offer me booze and then judge me for taking it. I will come at both of you! No signs of dinner.
7 pm - The hubs and I are in the hall with Little Bear and overhear the bridesmaids groan about being forced to put their 5'' heals back on to go take pictures.
Wait. WTF!? What the actual fuck!? You people still need to do pictures!? 
7:05 - We trick Little Bear into going back to our table and realize that we aren't going to make it. No fancy dinner for us tonight. No dancing. No celebrating. And Little Bear desperately needs some real food. And a new diaper. We sneak out in two shifts. And finally see someone enter with a toddler. No signs of dinner as we exit.

We get to the truck and I cry. I feel like I failed my child by bringing him to such an un-kidfriendly place. I feel like he must think we duped him into coming to this terribly boring place by promising yummy food and dancing and dessert. And then I cry more. And try to get my anger out while trying to not swear or yell really loud.

And then we stopped at Burger King.