So, I Guess I Sort Of Hate Teenagers

I would like to preface this post with the fact that I am VERY well aware of how old and cranky one sounds when they make the statement, "I hate teenagers."

And you know what? I am so ok with that. Because teenagers suck. They really do.

Sure, there are some good ones out there, but they are rare and you know it. For the most part, they're sort of all assholes.

This realization came to me over the weekend when the hubs and I went to an amusement park with some friends. The actual amusement park part of the day was fine. Sure, there were some unchaperoned teens but the other adults and families there buffered them pretty well.

And then it got dark.

And the regular ol' park turned haunted. Scary mazes, haunted houses, 97 fog machines. The families started to leave and the hordes of teens entered.

Didn't you know? Teens hunt at night. And in packs.

Their parents dropped them off at the gate and squealed their tires to get the eff away from them for a few non-dramatic hours of quiet.

As the night progressed, the hordes grew. And grew. And judging by the hoodies the teen girls were wearing (that you KNOW they stole from some poor random hormonal boy) they came from all over the metro area.

The glow from the black lights became dulled by the glow of their cell phone screens. Over the sound of howls and moans you heard the hum of, "Oh - Em -Gee! She did NOT!?" And, "This is only a temporary phone, I'm getting a way better one next month, I swear." And, "I'm going to drink SO much Mountain Dew tonight!" And, "This is like, so scary but seriously, your leggings are HOT!"

Oh yeah, and WTF girls!? Your parents never informed you that leggings are not pants? Cover that ass!

The boys weren't much better. Who walks past a line of people trying to check them all in the shoulder?! Who does that!? Shitty teen boys, that's who. You know who checks the little shits back? My husband. I was proud.

By the time we were in line at the final haunted house we realized we were grossly outnumbered. There were teens all around us. It was getting dangerous. Not for us, but for them. Eventually one of us four was going to snap and one of those teens was going to cry all her mascara right off and onto her Hollister shirt. It was going to be bad.

We made our way to the gates and through the long line of parental mini-vans and SUVs dreading the return of their son or daughter and all of his or her besties.

Yes, we were all teens at one point. And we all know it is a difficult and unsure time. And yes, there are really good teens out there. You know them, the ones that are aware of a life outside of their cell phone and are caring and have manners and know when to shut the eff up. Sadly, those are not the ones that stick in your brain and make an impact for all teen-kind.

New parental goal: I'm no longer worried about raising my child to be a great adult, I want to raise him to be a non-obnoxious teenager. And not only that, I also want him to be able to recognize what makes people anti-teens.

I figure if we can do that, he's set for life.

Fantasies...

This ties in well with a previous post.

Jenna Wolfe tries breast-feeding her baby in public

Although I love me some Today Show, I'm not always a huge Jenna Wolfe fan. Honestly, I usually end up yelling, "Ugh, shut up!" when she's on the tube any given Saturday morning. I have to say though, she did this well.

Only 5 weeks postpartum and still technically on maternity leave, Jenna decided to join the Today cast during their week long Born Today series (Which, btw, is its own post altogether. Oddest ratings jump effort ever.). Since she is currently a nursing mom, Jenna was the perfect reporter to tackle the topic of nursing in public.

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

I nursed Little Bear until he was about 21 months old, was a pro-pumper at work and exclusive breast feeder on the weekends and days off. I am proud to say I was able to do that for my child but am very well aware that it is not for everyone.

Nursing is hard. Damn hard. It's a pain in the butt and a literal pain in the boob. 

Although I was, and still am, very much an advocate for breastfeeding, nursing in public was something I was never a fan of. Not that I care if other woman do it, more power to you if you feel comfortable! For me though, it just didn't feel right. It made me so tense that the nursing session ended up being more work than it should be. Instead I would find a dressing room, go to the car or Google Map the nearest Babies R Us so I could hang in their Mother's Room for a while.

I know when baby number two comes along someday I will do my best to nurse as long as I did with Little Bear and by then I will probably care way less about where I feed my babe but for now, I'm still kind of a boob prude.

I will say though, Jenna may have empowered me a bit. If that reporter chick can do it on camera, I can totally rock some public breastfeeding!

Thanks Jenna Wolfe, you done good.

"While it's not always easy, most of us moms are just trying to do our best." And that is all anyone can ask.

Safety 1st and Eddie Bauer Child Restraint Systems Recalled

A recall email popped in my inbox earlier tonight and I figured I'd share. We don't have either of the seats listed but I'm betting one of you out there does or knows somebody who might.

Dorel Juvenile Announces a Safety Recall of Certain Safety 1st and Eddie Bauer Child Restraint Systems

Dorel Juvenile has determined that certain child restraint systems manufactured from July 20, 2010 through May 18, 2011 do not fully comply with the Federal Motor Vehicle Safety Standard. A color coordinated ease of use label depicting the rear-facing mode instruction was positioned on the incorrect side of the base. The arrows on this label point towards the forward-facing belt path instead of the rear-facing belt path which could potentially cause confusion to the consumer.

Dorel Juvenile is issuing a safety recall for certain Safety 1st and Eddie Bauer brand child restraints manufactured from July 20, 2010 through May 18, 2011. There is a potential for the consumer to be misled or confused when installing the child restraint in the rear-facing mode. We have received no complaints from consumers and just one comment from an interested party. Additionally there have been no incidents or injuries because of this labeling placement.

If you own one of the seats listed below, please call our Recall Hotline at 1-877-675-2355, Monday through Friday, 8AM to 5:00PM EST or email us at rfbaselabel@djgusa.com. The affected seats should not be returned to the retailer.

The models affected are manufactured from July 10, 2010 through May 18, 2011 and include Convertible child restraints Alpha Omega Elite, Deluxe 3 in 1, Complete Air LX and Complete Air SE.

Model No, CRS Description
22187ANL, Safety 1st Alpha Omega Elite
22187REM, Safety 1st Alpha Omega Elite
22187REMA, Safety 1st Alpha Omega Elite
22187SAR, Safety 1st Alpha Omega Elite
22187SARA, Safety 1st Alpha Omega Elite
22465FSM, Safety 1st Alpha Omega Elite
22790CGT, Eddie Bauer Deluxe 3 in 1
CC033BMT, Safety 1st Alpha Omega Elite
CC043ANK, Safety 1st Alpha Omega Elite
CC043ANL, Safety 1st Alpha Omega Elite
CC043AQS, Safety 1st Alpha Omega Elite
CC046AAI, Eddie Bauer Deluxe 3 in 1
CC046AAU, Eddie Bauer Deluxe 3 in 1
CC046CTA, Eddie Bauer Deluxe 3 in 1
CC046SNW, Eddie Bauer Deluxe 3 in 1
CC046WPR, Eddie Bauer Deluxe 3 in 1
CC050AJH, Safety 1st Complete Air LX
CC050ANY, Safety 1st Complete Air LX
CC050ANZ, Safety 1st Complete Air LX
CC050AOQ, Safety 1st Complete Air LX
CC051AIR, Safety 1st Complete Air SE

Dorel Juvenile encourages parents to obtain their repair kit as soon as possible. Parents may continue to use the child restraint system as directed in their instruction manual.

Dorel Juvenile sincerely regrets any inconvenience this situation may have caused you.

You can see the full recall notice here, at the Dorel Juvenile Group's website.

Also, super site for recall notice emails: Parents.com

Meatless Monday: Week Two - REDUX

I'm going to take back my previous FAIL and go with "Terrifically Meatless Tuesday!" That's a thing, right? Yep, totally a thing.

Thanks to a recipe provided by my in-laws who know I like getting creative with veggies, I was given a delish brinner idea. And since eggs clearly aren't meat, I'm going to say it was a meatless meal and call it a day.

Potato Pancakes sans the potato and sub with any ol' veggie!

I didn't have any Parmesan cheese so we went with grated cheddar instead. I think that helped the hubs like them a whole lot more. I had wee little candy onions from the garden so I subbed those in for the grated Vidalia onions.

Also, why the eff have I not been grating onions for other recipes!? That makes so much sense when you want the onion flavor but not the chunks. Game changer.

I headed out to my backyard farm and grabbed some zucchini, carrots and beets.

Frying up some purple.
Beets are pretty no matter how you do them! 

I put the finished cakes on a grid iron that was in a foil lined pan.
I threw that in a 250 degree oven while I made the rest of our dinner.

They were a success! The hubs was even a fan! Little Bear, not so much. Although, he hates any form of potatoes and I think these were close enough to actual potato cakes that it was probably a deal breaker for him.

The carrot ones were a little sweet, the beet were too but had their own little beet tinge as well. Both were similar to potato cakes but with that extra sweetness. The zucchini ones were probably the closest to actual potato cakes and were pretty decent as well.

I didn't bother with the dipping sauce but I do think it would have added a delicious element. The hubs and Little Bear don't like runny eggs but I do and I have to say, the gooey yolk was a really good accompaniment to the veggie cakes! The hubs was digging them with scrambled cheesy eggs and buttered toast.

Next time I think I will stick with the cheddar cheese sub and maybe try doing whole wheat flour over the white flour called for in the recipe because, well, why not?

Overall, a pretty good (and new) use for veggies!

Meatless Monday: Week Two - FAIL

Well, chicken nuggets with dinner tonight means a Meatless Monday fail.

After a week.

Why does it have to be on a Monday?  The day I want to think the least.

There needs to be another "M" day. "Without Meat Wednesday"? "Thoroughly Veggie Thursday"? Dammit! Those are terrible!

I WILL make up for it another night this week.

Maybe. Probably. We'll see.

Do eggs count as meat?

Chobani Recall

So, remember that recent Chobani recall?

At the time that it came out we happened to have some Chobani Champions tubes in our fridge. I didn't think anything of the recall since every report I heard on the news only mentioned the cups (my bad, I should have Googled).

Jump to a couple of days later when little bear is about 1/3 through a tube and says, "It ishy!" I took a taste and he was right, suddenly ishy! It tasted a little bubbly and kind of made my mouth tingle, which I figured couldn't be right. I threw that one out and went about my day. A couple of days later I noticed that the tubes were looking a little funky. Almost like they were expanding.

Although I had never purchased the Champion tubes before, I figured they probably aren't supposed to do that. After a lot of time spent hunting on the Chobani site (Far too much time, in my opinion. Help me help you, Chobani) I finally found their contact info and sent a message to Customer Care.

Contact Message: 
I purchased a 16 tube pack of Chobani Champions Jammin' Strawberry/Rockin' Blueberry a couple of weeks ago and have noticed some oddities with the strawberry tubes. Two of the tubes have tasted sort of fizzy and bubbly and a little off. The blueberry tubes do not seem to be an issue but we have stopped eating them as well as the strawberry just in case there is an issue. Some of the tubes in the pack also seem to be larger and have more pressure in them, almost to the point that they look as if they could pop.

That was on 09/12. On 09/19 I heard back.

We greatly appreciate you taking the time to contact us. We sincerely apologize that your experience with Chobani Greek Yogurt fell below the very high standards to which we hold our products.
Here at Chobani, nothing is more important to us than the quality of our yogurt and the safety and satisfaction of our consumers.
After hearing concerns of bloating and swelling surrounding certain products produced at our Idaho facility, we decided to voluntarily recall select products. After testing, we identified that some of the products voluntarily recalled contained a type of mold known as Mucor circinelloides, a species commonly found in the dairy environment that is not considered a foodborne pathogen.
Our recall includes products marked with the code 16-012 and expiration dates 09/11/13 - 10/07/13. This information can be found on each product lid.
So far, over 95% of the potentially impacted products have been removed from retail shelves. However, if you have products with these codes, please discard them, and we’ll coordinate replacement product.
Be on the lookout for replacement product coupons to arrive in the mail.
We appreciate your support and understanding and remain committed to crafting the best tasting, highest quality products made with only natural ingredients.

After reading the email the first time through, I felt pretty good. I brought this to their attention! Yay for me!

And then I read through the message again and realized that it was totally a standard email that was copied and pasted and I was like the hundreds of other people that had complained. I was not special.

But on the plus side, I'll get some free yogurt coupons out of the deal!

Moral of the story, it's ok to bitch like everyone else, as long as you get some free stuff. 

Also, check your fridge, you may be feeding your tiny human some nastiness.

Stitchery

Water and Coke and stitching for Tuesday Hangs.

Meatless Monday

Tonight's Meatless Monday was brought to us by the abundance of cans of black beans in my pantry, one of many giant tomato harvests, leftover cilantro and mashed avocado, a missed grocery trip due to a crazy day, bulk tortillas and cheese in the deep freeze and the fact that I can usually trick Little Bear into eating most triangular foods by telling him it's "fancy pizza".

And wala! Black Bean Quesadillas! 

Back to "Meatless Monday" though. I have heard of folks having a meatless day each week to save coin. I've always decided against it because A.) Could it really save THAT much? Especially when we don't even really buy all that fancy of meat? And B.) The hubs gets a little sad when I skip the meat on dishes like pasta or casseroles (blame his farm boy genes, I guess) so I figured it wouldn't even really be an option. 

Well, jump to now when I've been a SAHM for 9 months and am super over making a real dinner most nights. A little meatless creativity sounds OK. 

We'll see how long it lasts but so far so good! Used up a lot of garden goods, found a new use for my bulk black beans (That I seems to be the only one that will eat. Side note: Don't try to hide pureed black beans in tomato sauce. You'll think you are a genius but you'll really just have a lot of a weird sauce left that only you will eat), saved some stuff from spoilage, and it was easy and balanced. Oh, AND the hubs liked it! Bam. Win!

Little Bear, not so much. But he's two. And decides he no longer likes a food if the dog barks during dinner. He doesn't know what he likes most days. We let him fill his body with cold edamame for dinner and I polished off the rest of his discarded (delicious) quesadilla after he left the table.

Next week I may have to get more creative... Hmmmm...

Yep. Good. 

You guys, you guys!

I'm going to start doing needlepoint!

The hubs and I have a couple of friends that come over here and there during the week for hangs. We relax in the garage and chat and drink delicious beers. The males end up playing Nintendo or burning stuff or some other boy things. Us females decided we needed to be accomplishing something during that time.

We took a trip to Michael's, each invested $10 and became old ladies!

We can do this

PSA: The Dangers of Your Child Pissing You Off While You Drive

There is something about having a child scream at a person while they are in traffic that I'm pretty sure could actually cause the driver's head to explode. Just driving along, child screaming about everything and nothing all at once and then *pop* head explodes.

Someone should make a PSA. "The Dangers of Your Child Pissing You Off While You Drive" This is a problem that America needs to get behind.

Homer Simpson was on to something when he fully removed the children from the parent while driving.

The Homer  comes equipped with two bubble domes; one in the front, while the one in back is for quarreling kids, and comes with optional restraints and muzzles.

Today I took Little Bear to the zoo, which was great. The drive home, on the other hand, was ridiculous. He was sad to leave but also tired and hungry, which made a lovely little crabby child cocktail. Let's add the fact that it is still construction season in MN, which means every highway between any give point A and point B is probably a complete cluster f*ck and will cause you to want to hurt a random elected official. 

The two things together could cause a mother to lose it. 

I am proud to say I did not yell or say anything terrible to him. I did however try to reason with him a lot and look like a crazy bitch while in bumper to bumper traffic. 

We won't be driving to the zoo again for a while. 

Waffle Time!

I did it! I made waffles from scratch!

For some reason, I had never made waffles. I know we had a waffle maker when I was a kid, we just didn't use it. We toasted up plenty of Eggos, but never fresh off the press homemade waffles.

The other day, I acquired a waffle maker. I was determined to make it the base of an amazing brinner (you know, breakfast-dinner, one of the top 5 dinner meals. ever.)

I went with the basic recipe that was in the instruction book (which we somehow got whipped cream all over) for the waffle maker and doubled it because you can never have too many waffles. Also, I did half whole wheat flour.

"The light is green, the trap is clean."
Ghostbusters, anyone?

Success!

Waffle Thief

I did put the first batch in the oven as recommended in the recipe but I should not have left them in a pile as the ones underneath lost their crispness. For the second batch I added a whole mess of blueberries to the batter.

Yep, good.
Like, really, really good.

What are waffles without homemade whipped cream?
Put that with some butter and real maple syrup and...
Nom nom nom. 

Add some cheesy scrambled eggs and some bacon and BAM, dinner deliciousness! The hubs was happy and Little Bear was happy so I was quite happy. AND they reheated in the oven wonderfully this morning so we had a yummy and easy breakfast! Plus, I froze about a batch worth for later excitement!

More mess than Eggos but so much better. Totally worth the work... and the syrup stickiness that I keep finding in our dining room...

Nap Porn

This weekend a friend made the comment about how late he had slept in on Saturday to which I asked, "How was it?" His response, "Shut-up Ms.I Wake Up With A Kid At 6 AM!" From there I felt I had to explain that no, I'm not mad at you for getting sleep (well maybe a little) but I'm mostly just wanting to vicariously live through people that still can sleep the day away. 

I want to know all the dirty details. Where did you do it? Couch? Bed? Floor? The rare and dangerous hammock? Somewhere sweet like a boat? Was it during the middle of the day? Did you plan it? Did you get a snack in the middle? Was it alcohol induced? Were you alone? 

So basically, I'm really into your verbal nap porn. It's hot.

Childless people of the internets: Embrace your nap ability now! 

Have an entire day of nothing ahead of you but feel bad wasting it with sleep? Don't. Just do it. Put on some sweat pants. Netflix for an hour or two. Read a book. And then sleep your ass off. Sleep until you need to eat. And then sleep some more. 

Sadly, no, you cannot bank the sleep for the sleepless times to come. Trust me though, when you are on feeding number three of a night with a newborn or cuddling a sick kid until early hours or arguing with a toddler about the fact that 3am is not playtime and he does not want to "go out there", you will remember your nap binges and be so thankful you did it when you could. 

And you too, will love to hear about your friends' nap porn.  

Oh, hey all!

Luckily, this weekend involved one fewer ridiculous wedding and one more fun night out for the hubs and me. Here's the jist of the past few days.

Friday

• No nap for Little Bear again. The faze continues. Except I still fear it's not a faze.
• Bike ride to the library. Fun. Except when I was on the busy road hauling a two year old in a tag-along trailer and NOT A SINGLE PERSON WOULD STEP TO THE SIDE OF THE DAMN SIDEWALK.
• Little Bear fell asleep in the trailer. And then continued to sleep on the couch. He might be messing with me.
• The Hubs and I had a couch date involving some-not-nearly-caught-up-enough episodes of Breaking Bad. And then I saw this on the internets and it made me happy.

Saturday

• Playdate with an old friend and his wee lady. She is 18 months. In response to her baby talk, Little Bear made sure to repeatedly tell her, "That not make any sense." He's a smooth talker, like his daddy.
• Nap fight again. And then he fell asleep on me. On the couch. Like when he was a wee baby. It was not bad. 
• Little Bear had a sleepover with Nana and Papa. Mommy and Daddy got to leave the house for the night. AND bring the pooch. AND sleep! Well, we could have slept. Instead we chose to have fun with friends. It was worth the lack of sleep. And since we slept at a friend's house...

Sunday

• The hubs and I got McDonald's breakfast on the way home. It's just the thing to do. For most people that may not be an event but since I am always with Little Bear and I just can't let him eat fast food yet, I don't ever get it. So yes, that's right. I will not let my toddler eat that crap but I will devour it like a stray dog when my child is not around.
• The hubs and I got home and napped for three hours. The McDonald's breakfast belly and the nap go really well together.... nap coma...
• Nana brought Little Bear home. I hugged him for a while. 
• Minor nap fight with the child previously mentioned.. The hubs and I are both a little afraid of him at nap time now.
• I discarded the leftovers from this monstrosity. Why did I save any of that!? Apparently, Friday me couldn't give in to the fail. Sunday me was pissed she had to deal with any of it.
• Family dinner with the pops and step mom where I realized that explaining something "logically" to a toddler does not make it any better when he repeats it over and over and over later. In reference to the mounted animals in Grandpa's basement: "They scary. We not need to be scared. They not alive. They can't hurt you. They not alive." Also where I acquired...
• A waffle maker! An epic Brinner will happen soon.

I didn't even have to create this meme.
The Breakfast Soon Meme has been done and I'm OK with that.

So yeah, not great blog fodder over the weekend so it all gets meshed into here. 

Well, actually, prior to drifting into a semi-drunk sleep on Saturday night, I know I thought of some great things to write about. But my phone was on the other side of the room. And I forgot by morning. They'll come to me.

Now, Monday is over. It was a... not rough... not bad... just one. Monday was a one. 

Tuesday, let's do this. 

Crock Pot French Toast Was...

Not terrible... but not great.

I originally had pinned this recipe a while ago and then forgotten about it, like I do with most things I pin.

Crock Pot French Toast via the Crock Pot Girl

Months later I printed the recipe in a bout of "I'm going to start actually making these things I pin!" And then it sat in a pile which eventually became scrap paper. While making my grocery list yesterday, I saw it again and decided I'd give it a go.

This is what I woke up to.

Goo anyone?
(I used a crock-pot liner because I had some but you could also butter or spray your pot)

It was far too wet and really just a mess of goo. Most of the bread slices had completely lost shape and were a bucket of mush. I thought if I could get some of the extra moisture to go away, it might be salvageable. I put some on a plate and nuked it for 30 seconds.

The result was better but still really wet and that was without any syrup. I decided that it was eggy enough that scrambling might be the best option. So I threw some in a pan and hoped for the best.

The end result was... odd. The best way I can think to describe it is "french toast scrambled eggs" which sounds scary. The hubs and I both ate it reluctantly. Little Bear on the other hand, was a HUGE fan!

I've seen many other recipes for Crock Pot French Toast and might be willing to give them a shot but this one was no good.

It's a great idea in theory but for now, Pinterest FAIL!

Nap Time. Oh, Glorious Nap Time

I fear we may be approaching the end. The end of Little Bear's glorious 2-3 hour daily naps. Oh, how beautifully spoiled I was. How does a child go from monster naps each day that he actually WANTS to take and gladly says, "Night, night" for to screaming in his crib for an hour?!

Everything will seem exactly the same leading up to nap time. Read books, cuddle, lots of yawns and eye rubbing, sing a song, drifting off, put him in his crib.... and suddenly my sweet Little Bear starts to channel a two-year-old-anti-sleep-demon. "No nap! Want to go out there! Want different shirt! Need Mommy! Mommy come in here! Need to take socks off! Noooo need night niiiiiiight!" For the past two days he has had a hoarse as a result.

I'm hoping it's just a faze that is the result of a vacation followed by a couple of weeks of odd schedules. Dude is tired. Dude still seems like he needs a nap. Dude is still waking up at 6 am!

Are the days of my mid-day sleeping angel over?!

If I mentally wish for it enough, things will return to the way they were, right!?

Or not.

Why I Will Always Wear Mascara

It's often touted as one of the most necessary make-up products. I personally have seen multiple blurbs about it being the one item most woman would choose to have in their purse, vanity kit or on a desert island. Granted, most of those "Make-Up Sophie's Choice" blurbs were in Cosmo or Glamour magazines, still, it's a pretty important little tube.

During my last two weeks of being a working mom I did a lot of thinking about the kind of SAHM I would be. Sitting at my desk one day it hit me, "I must continue to wear mascara. If I leave the house, I must wear mascara." I knew that doing full on make-up, hair or even taking a shower each day would be tough but I vowed to always brush my lashes with a little very-black, voluminous, lash extending goo.

There is something in my brain that sees the absence of mascara as the fine line between me being a frazzled-but-slightly-put-together SAHM and a mom that stopped caring. It's a slippery slope, people. First I stop wearing mascara. Next I stop wearing real pants and resort to sweats and gym shorts every day. Then I completely stop shaving my legs. What's next!? Slippery slope. I have spent many days looking like a 5 foot ball of tired fright while roaming the house or yard but if I step off that curb, out comes trusty wanded friend.

I rarely notice if other moms wear any type of make-up nor do I see the absence of it as anything worth noting but I know that for me, mascara is a necessary product. I've applied it at stop lights. In parking lots. Just before walking into a friend's house. While brushing my teeth. And, I'm pretty sure I have even applied my mascara while going pee.

Sure, I might be wearing the same pair of capris for the third day in a row. And honestly, I might have to take a minute to realize that it has somehow been four days since I washed my hair. And no, I don't actually like The Cubs, this is just the best baseball hat I have to cover my rat's nest...

But dammit, my lashes look gorgeous!

On The Facebooks?

Lets like each other!

https://www.facebook.com/madhousewifery

The Least Kid Friendly Wedding. Ever. That We Accidentally Brought Our Kid To.

My biggest pet peeve with weddings is when the Happy Couple doesn't think about their guests. I get it, this is YOUR day. But all these people took time out of THEIR busy lives to be here and you need to make sure you think of them too. Sure, you're giving them dinner and possibly drinks but you still need to be grateful that they made the choice to celebrate your wedding.

Most of the time when people don't think of their guests, it results in there being too much time between the different parts of the day or they forget to tell guests something sort of important. This wedding had it all, in the worst possible way.

I would like to preface all of this with the fact that we made sure it was OK for Little Bear to attend said wedding prior to sending in our RSVP. Once we got the go ahead we marked him down for the chicken finger kids meal and were excited to have an upcoming family night out. Most of the day of the wedding was spent talking with Little Bear about the fact that Daddy's friend was going to get married and we were going to get to celebrate and dance. On the drive down there he even randomly yelled, "We gonna dance!" Right on.

So, we get to the country club that is to be the site of the ceremony and reception and after waiting inside with all the other guests we are asked by the ushers to follow them outside. Wait. Outside? Why? It's like wicked hot. And a lot of these dudes have suits on. And I see a lot of old people.

Yep, outside. At the hottest time of the day. In direct sun.Zero clouds. No fans, electric or hand powered. And not a single person was prepared.

Nature is lovely and all. All green and fresh and bright and stuff. I get it. But for real, you have to warn people ahead of time. A bitch could die in that heat!

Little Bear lasted to the point RIGHT before the wedding party started walking down the aisle and then he became a hot and very crabby tiny human. Him and I dipped out before he went into complete meltdown mode and found some flowers to pick.

Alright, outdoor part is done. We're going inside. Has to get good now.
This is when we realized that we had the only child at the wedding. Yep.

Here's a jist of the rest of the reception from that point.
4 pm - Back inside for water and lemonade in the reception hall area. Found our table.
4:30 - It is announced that there will be a Chinese Tea Ceremony at 5. Ok, neat. That'll be cultured and stuff. Cultured things are good.
4:45 - Still just lemonade and water. Ok, fine.
4:59 - Coffee. Yes! Coffee.
5 pm - Chinese Tea Ceremony is explained as being something that is usually done in the AM before the wedding at a family home and only includes the close family. There, the bride and groom serve tea to their elders. In this case, the bride and groom have chosen to have their wedding guests watch this and will be having 50 of their family members join them at the front as the guests watch on.
And then it got completely silent.
And then Little Bear decided he was bored out of his mind and needed to practice his angry-pterodactyl-scream.
I grabbed him and ran as fast as my wedges would allow and prepared to just wait in the lobby area until said cultured ceremony was done.
6 pm - AN HOUR LATER. Finally. Done. Little Bear and I return to find out from the hubs that it was completely silent in there for that ENTIRE HOUR! What!? No signs of dinner. We pull out the dinosaurs.

6:15 - Butler served hors d'oeuvres come out... and are gone immediately. Little Bear's snack supply is dwindling. He is no longer having fun with the toys we brought and has resorted to using a sunscreen stick on his own arms for entertainment.
6:30 - Bar open! Hallelujah! Guests flood it and grab Bud Light and wine by the fist full.  Little Bear starts to lose it again and needs a break from playing at our table. Out into the hall the hubs takes him.
6:45 - My beer is almost gone and a lovely woman offers me her extra glass of wine... and then her and her friend look concerned when I accept. What, lady!? Don't you offer me booze and then judge me for taking it. I will come at both of you! No signs of dinner.
7 pm - The hubs and I are in the hall with Little Bear and overhear the bridesmaids groan about being forced to put their 5'' heals back on to go take pictures.
Wait. WTF!? What the actual fuck!? You people still need to do pictures!? 
7:05 - We trick Little Bear into going back to our table and realize that we aren't going to make it. No fancy dinner for us tonight. No dancing. No celebrating. And Little Bear desperately needs some real food. And a new diaper. We sneak out in two shifts. And finally see someone enter with a toddler. No signs of dinner as we exit.

We get to the truck and I cry. I feel like I failed my child by bringing him to such an un-kidfriendly place. I feel like he must think we duped him into coming to this terribly boring place by promising yummy food and dancing and dessert. And then I cry more. And try to get my anger out while trying to not swear or yell really loud.

And then we stopped at Burger King.